


Leave Me Blind

by boxofhatebrains



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Fantasizing, M/M, Masturbation in Shower, Not Beta Read, Past Rape/Non-con, Period-Typical Homophobia, Self-Hatred, Sexuality Crisis, he really just needs to get out of there and have a cute house with eiji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 01:33:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30030993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boxofhatebrains/pseuds/boxofhatebrains
Summary: I concentrate on what's at hand. I've got a lot to do. Still a long road to travel. Still a heap of bullshit that only I can take care of. Still have to protect Eiji.Eiji...Nothing else felt so good and hurt so much in the same moment.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 10
Kudos: 48





	Leave Me Blind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Angela](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angela/gifts).



> Setting: when eiji and ash have that cool pad to hide out in
> 
> It's def a "poor Ash" fic.

Just watching him sleep, feeling his warmth against me, my chest aches. My breath hesitantly crawls into my lungs and scrapes against my throat as it leaves. I can smell him; on me, around me. Here he is, all around me. Slipping into me, deeper and deeper. I want to keep him there. I want to steal his smell. I want to be like him. I want a home. I want a family. I want him.  
  
I slowly get up, not waking him. It'd be easy to stay in bed with him. It'd be easy to fall asleep again and wake up with him. But there's things I have to plan. If I make one wrong move, he could die. It's gone beyond me now. Whatever happens, he's going to be safe and happy. I'm going to make damn well sure of that.  
  
I stand over him for just a second and a part of me wants to reach out and kill him. It would be easy. He could die without pain. A part of me wants to eliminate that weakness, my only open weakness. Life would be logically easier without having to worry about him. A dark, cold part of me tells me that I could lose everything; I could lose my chance at Golzine. I can lose my chance at finding out more about Banana Fish, about my brother. Just because of him. His neck is tilted and open. My fingers know where to go, to end it suddenly and quietly.  
  
A part of me wants to reach out and touch him. Touch his neck, feel his skin. I want to feel all of his skin. What would he do, if he woke up like that? What would he do if he felt my fingers scrape softly against his scalp? Trail down his chest and stomach...What would he say? Would he want me to touch him? Honestly, would he let me because he wanted it or because he knows that I want it? Or would he be disgusted?

Would I be disappointed if he wasn't?  
  
I sigh and go to the window. The sun rolls into the sky slowly, its rays scratching against the buildings and cars. There's so much to do...  
  
The apartment is quiet when I move around it. I can only hear the cars outside, music growing and fading from cars. I usually stay out pretty late and Eiji wakes up before me. I wake up to the sound of him banging around pots and pans when making breakfast, or the sound of him showering. It feels just off when it's so quiet, when I can feel him close. It's uncomfortable, like a tight shirt, when you can barely breathe. Just somehow wrong.  
  
I step in the shower before I turn it on. I look at the little sponge crab that he's got hanging up. I think he brought it from Japan, or either bought it here when he first got to New York. Maybe his family shipped it to him...whatever, it's just cute. It stands out from the shampoo, conditioner, and soap. Just this happy, little fucking crab. With a smiley face. I smile back at it. I don't know why he likes this kind of stuff. Why would you want a crab washing your ass? I laugh and turn on the shower.  
  
I should ask him that, just to see him get defensive and come up with some bizarre reason. I like when he tries to translate his reason in that half-cooked English, it hardly comes out right. Maybe he just doesn't have a good reason.  
  
I lean against the tile and smile, with that stupid crab in my hand. My stomach does this weird roll-over when I wonder when he's really going back. Is he going to leave this here, for me? Or will he taking everything? Will I have anything of his?  
  
I dunk my head in the hot spray. I sound so pathetic, like some soppy chick with a boyfriend dicking around on her. When will he really leave me? God, pathetic. Stupid and disgusting, even.  
  
I take it out on the crab. I toss him to the other side of the shower. Feel like throwing in a 'fuck you', but don't; it's a sponge, it doesn't have feelings.  
  
I concentrate on what's at hand. I've got a lot to do. Still a long road to travel. Still a heap of bullshit that only I can take care of. Still have to protect Eiji.  
  
Eiji...  
  
Nothing else felt so good and hurt so much in the same moment. Maybe that's what getting struck by lightning's like; being held by light and electricity. Sure, it's gotta hurt like hell, but just being a part of all that energy. I think I read somewhere about a tribe or some ancient people thought getting hit by lightning was sacred. If you lived, you were thought of as holy. If you lived...  
  
I run a hand through my hair. If I live...  
  
If I live...  
  
If I live, will we ever fuck?  
  
I push back the hair in my face, like that will push back the thought. It happens, those kind of thoughts, as sudden and random as lightning. But it strikes me, burning me from the inside-out, at the most erratic times. I strive, I struggle, I beg myself not to think about him like that. Him with out clothes, naked and legs in the air.  
  
I'm hard already. I swear to myself, at myself. He's not a sex object, he's not someone that I should want, he's my friend. I wouldn't think about Alex tied to the bedposts. I wouldn't think about Bones bent over the kitchen counter. These are _friends_. These are people. These are people that I would die for, kill for, without a pause. So why Eiji? Why is it that when we're close and alone, I want to pound him? Why do I think about him at night, when he's only a few fucking feet from me? I'm not a fag. So, why am I hard? Why am I starting to touch myself? Why do I jerk it off, thinking about Eiji? I shouldn't.  
  
But I do.

And I do now.  
  
I think about him on the bed, on my bed, half-naked and wearing my jeans. I think about him seeing me and blushing, his fingers on his chest and by his abdomen. The jeans are unbuttoned and unzipped, but I don't see his cock yet, but I can tell he's hard.  
  
He tries to apologize, to try to explain his way out of it, but I know. Some how I know that he was thinking about me, smelling my sweat on my bed, getting hot by it. He wanted to feel more of me, slipped into my jeans, felt the stiffness of his cock and pretended it was me. He wanted me and then I walked in. He was caught.  
  
"It's okay," I tell him in my fantasy, "Keep going, I want to watch you."  
  
So, shyly, he does. He's never done this before. He's nervous, but can see that I'm hard, too. He can't believe that I might want it, too. So, he rubs his cock, over the jeans, and spreads his other fingers across his chest. He's just going by feel, he doesn't know if this is what I want, but I watch. I stare at him, at his legs in my jeans, filling them.  
  
"Take it out," I command him.  
  
He blushes to his shoulders, but he does. It's a different, it's got foreskin, slightly curved. I lick my lips as he strokes the cock peeking out of my jeans. His hand moves up and down quickly and roughly, eyes connected to mine. I start to rub my boner, watching him vulnerable and horny.  
  
His fingertips trail up his chest to his mouth and slide in, sucking on them. I want him to suck me. I want him to get down on his knees in front of me; I want him to swallow my cum. I shiver and unzip my jeans, search for my hard-on, and then pull it out. I show him Ash Lynx's cock. How many chicks and guys have wanted to see it, to taste it, to fuck it? Countless, and Eiji is the lucky one.

I jerk it, too, as he watches me; I put on a good show. I stroke fast and slow, fingers everywhere on it, rubbing every vein, every inch of flesh.  
  
He gasps; he writhes as he gets close to cumming as he watches my hand on my dick. Just staring at me masturbating is so fucking hot to him.  
  
He jerks and arches, and cums. I see it spraying out, getting all over his chest and my jeans. It's all over my jeans; my pants will smell like his cum after this, will taste like Eiji's cum. I want to lick them.  
  
I walk over to him and there's still passion in his eyes as he swallows and eyes flicker to my face, then my dick, then my face. He wants it, but is too bashful to say it. He wants me to fuck him.  
  
I stop jerking it to bend over him and lick his chest. He moans loudly as I lick his cum, and lick his nipple. He wants it so much.  
  
"Ash," he whispers, "Could you...?"  
  
"What?" I ask, fully knowing the answer, but I want him to admit it.  
  
"Please, do it?"  
  
"Do what?"  
  
He relents, "Fuck me."  
  
I get harder. I get smug. I get happy.  
  
"Yeah," I promise, "Turn around."  
  
He does, rushed, and looks back.  
  
"On all fours," I tell him and he does, without hesitation.  
  
I grasp his hips; pull my jeans down, his boxers with them, as I explain, "This is gonna be hard, fast, and rough. This is the only way I know how. Okay?"  
  
"Yes, just please fuck me," he murmurs against his shoulder.  
  
I get out the lube and smear it on my fingers.  
  
"Here we go," I warn him and shove one in.  
  
He grunts, but doesn't whimper and doesn't cry. I finger-fuck him with that one. He's so tight and hot, _really hot_. Inside, I mean. He moans and I see his soft cock grow a little, become more shaped and developed; he's getting off on this.  
  
I push in another finger as my other hand starts to pull the jeans off my ass. I continue to finger-fuck him when I kick them off completely.  
  
"More, yes, Ash," he grunts out into my pillow, his spit and sweat mixing into the fabric.  
  
I finish this finger-fuck with one last finger, all three smashed against each other inside Eiji. I watch them move in and out, hot then cold, relaxed then tight. I'm really hard now, watching his body let my fingers in so easily.  
  
I pull them out and hastily lube my cock up, no condom, no nothing. I'm going to feel him completely, he's going to smell like my cum for the whole day. He's going to feel it inside him, draining out.  
  
I push the head into him and hear him gasp, then groan something in Japanese. I push more in, half-way and it feels great, feels right somehow. He's panting and completely hard now.  
  
"Move," he demands in shattered English, his accent thicker and heavier, "Now, more. Fuck! Now!"  
  
So, I do. I push all the way in and all the way out. In to the base, out to the tip. He wiggles and stretches under me, trying to feel more, to have more of me. In all the way, out all the way.  
  
"Faster, now! More!" He's getting louder, not meaning to. The neighbors probably hear it and I want them to hear every word, everything thing he begs of me, and everything I give him. _Let the world fucking know_.  
  
I plunge into him and out, faster and harder. My hands clench his hips, holding him where I want him and thrusting into him. I don't think, I just feel. I feel his body wrapped around me. This is Eiji. This is Eiji's neck that I'm biting. This is Eiji's ass that I'm fucking. This is Eiji's voice crying out and telling me how good it feels. This is all Eiji, just Eiji, and it's all I need. It's all I've hungered for.  
  
My hand, my gun hand, the one that's killed countless men, reaches for his cock and jerks him off. His head bows back as he grunts and groans and lets go of his reservations. He wants it and isn't ashamed about it. It feels good to him and he shouts it over and over. The headboard against the wall accompanies him and it's a beautiful song.  
  
"I'm cum-" He yells and I barely can understand it, but it's beautiful. Everything about him is.  
  
And I feel it, wetness in my hands and embracing me inside. I feel him cum all over. My heart falters, my cock hardens, my lungs grab at air, and teeth clench. It's so hot and I push him down. I push him into the bed as I continue to fuck him and I'm close to the apex, too. I thrust into him as he jerks and gasps and drools on my bed.  
  
Suddenly, I jump off that pinnacle, I plummet into ecstasy. I'm coming inside the boy that I want so desperately to love. I cum in him and hiss out his name.  
  
And I _do_ cum. In the shower, I do. In real life.I feel that tingle all over my body as I think about him, his gasps and his pleasure.

It's instantly washed away by the water, like it never happened. I lean against the tile and gasp, air and flecks of water fill my lungs. I hold onto the cool, stable wall as I get back to reality. My head is dizzy and slow. It takes me a few minutes.  
  
After the exhilaration fades, I finish the shower quickly and bitterly.  
  
I accidentally step on the crab. I pick it up and stare at it, it's happy face. I hold it and wonder how many times Eiji's held it, how many more times he will. As I stare at it's face, I feel weak. I feel disappointed in myself. I feel grotesque and very wrong. I shouldn't be thinking of Eiji like that. I shouldn't cum thinking about him. That's sick and disgusting. I'm sick. I'm disgusting.  
  
I try to let my emotions fade away with the fantasy, let let it wash from me like my cum. I turn the water hotter, leaving my skin red and stinging. I set down the crab, face-down, to the side of the shower.  
  
I'm sorry, Eiji.  
  
I'm sorry that I'm attracted to you.

And I'm sorry that I ignore your attraction to me.  
  
But I can't do that to you. I can't let myself go like that. I can't let you get that close, I can't dare myself to get that close. I can't dirty you because I'm sick and twisted.  
  
And I can't accept your love.  
  
I let the water twist over me, bringing back pain so I can remember who I am, who I'm meant to be. I'm no one, I'm nothing.  
  
I lean in, farther and farther until it hits my face. The water flows across my eyes, burning me, blinding me.


End file.
